You Don’t Have to Toughen Up

By Racquel H. Dozier

Last Updated:

4 min read

For years, I believed that strength meant a stiff upper lip. As a lupus thriver, I thought I had to be invincible. But I was wrong.

When I was first diagnosed with lupus, I thought the only way to survive was to be tough. I believed showing emotions meant weakness. With lupus already making me feel vulnerable, weakness was the last thing I wanted to show. So, I stuffed everything down. The fear, the frustration, the sadness and the anger. I buried it all, thinking it would somehow make me stronger. But over time, I learned that ignoring my emotions wasn’t strength. It was a recipe for burnout and worsening flares.

Stuffing Emotions, My Early Mistake

First, at doctor’s appointments, I’d smile and nod, even when I was confused or scared. “Be brave, suck it up,” I told myself. As if my bravery meant to be silent. When friends asked how I was doing, I’d say, “I’m fine!” with a forced grin, even though my body ached and my heart felt heavy. I believed venting or crying was a waste of time. Time I felt I could spend “pushing through.”

But here’s the thing: my emotions didn’t just disappear when I ignored them. They built up like steam in a pressure cooker. And for me, that pressure started showing up in ways I couldn’t ignore.

The Fallout of Ignoring My Feelings

Second, physically I began to notice more frequent and intense flares. We all know stress is a major trigger for lupus. But, stuffing my emotions only made my stress worse. Sleepless nights and overstimulated days became the norm. Those racing thoughts wouldn’t let me rest.

Third, emotionally I felt isolated. I had pushed away friends and family because I didn’t want to be a "burden." Somehow I thought I was protecting them, but in reality, I was protecting myself from vulnerability.

Finally, mentally it became harder for me to cope. There is no doubt that lupus already comes with challenges like brain fog. Eventually, bottling up my emotions added an extra layer of exhaustion. I found myself snapping at loved ones or bursting into tears over small frustrations. All because I had been holding too much inside.

The Turning Point, Learning to Feel

One day, during a particularly rough flare, I had to sit with myself. I screamed at the top of my lungs, “You don’t have to have it all together!” That simple sentence cracked something open in me. I cried hard. For the first time, I admitted how scared and overwhelmed I felt. It wasn’t weakness, it was pure relief.

I started journaling to process my feelings. Taking the time, I wrote down everything from anger at my body to gratitude for small victories. I also founded a support group where I could talk openly with others who truly understood. The more I allowed myself to feel, the more I realized it wasn’t my emotions that made me weak. It was my refusal to face them.

How Feeling My Emotions Helped My Lupus Journey

Once I stopped stuffing my emotions, I noticed positive changes. My flares became less frequent, and when they did come, I handled them better. I wasn’t carrying the extra burden of bottled up stress. Consequently, my relationships improved. I also became more open with loved ones about my needs and feelings.

Most importantly, I felt freer. I wasn’t spending so much energy pretending I was fine. Instead, I was honest with myself and others. That all made room for true healing, emotionally, mentally, and even physically.

Why You Don’t Need to Toughen Up

If you’ve been told to toughen up, let me tell you, you don’t have to. Strength isn’t about hiding your pain or pretending everything’s okay. True strength is being honest with yourself and letting others support you.

I’ve learned that emotions are part of the human experience. Although as lupus warriors, we face extra challenges we definitely don’t need to add emotional suppression to the mix. Now I know It’s okay to cry, to vent, to feel frustrated. It’s also okay to celebrate small wins and find joy in the little things in spite of lupus

Action Steps for Letting It Out

Here are some tips for embracing emotional expression. Don't suffer in silence. Your emotions are valid, and expressing them is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Start small: If talking about your feelings feels overwhelming, try journaling first. Write down whatever comes to mind without judgment.
Find your tribe: Join a support group, either in person or online, where you can connect with others who understand your journey.
Talk to someone you trust: Whether it’s a therapist, a friend, or a family member, sharing your feelings can be incredibly healing.
Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques can help you stay present and manage stress.
Practice self-compassion: Remind yourself that feeling emotions is not a flaw, it’s a strength.

A Final Thought

Lupus is a tough journey. I have to remind myself often that on some days it’s okay if I’m not tougher than it. By allowing myself to feel, I am able to lighten my emotional load. I can give my mind and body the space it needs to heal.

So, fellow lupus thrivers if you’re struggling to "toughen up," I urge you to reconsider. Let go of the pressure to be strong all the time. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, seek support, and practice self-compassion. You may be surprised at how much stronger you'll become.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Lupus.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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Sjcclupus Member

<p>Thank you so much for writing and sharing this article, for ten years since my initial start of treatment technically for undifferentiated connective tissue disease, the crescendo of stepped up and switching therapy/rx treatments/regiments every 3-6 months, eventual diagnosis with sle lupus and overlapping crest/sclerderma plus sicca disease, srojen’s, and raynaud—combined with failing the bar exam due to not being able to move my stiff aching hands to pencil in bubbles and not being able to type fast enough/at pace, I felt like failure and more heavily the burden to be strong and prove to the outside world I could take it all and overcome-resit for the exam (eventually I realized there as an avenue to ask for a medical accommodation that would not only give my slightly extended time to account for my physical limitations but also provide me with a temperate controlled testing location so I wouldn’t have to suffer thru sitting in a freezing 60 degree room for 6 hours on end which ultimately guaranteed the triggering of a flare and throbbing swollen sausage fingers/hands/forearms I could only move with excruciating pain)—and I had to find the courage to inform my supervisors at work and reveal my medical condition plus bar exam failure, medication/treatment/physical symptom rollercoaster, throw myself at their mercy and beg to not be fired, even with their kindness and support, then I shifted into this daily struggle with feelings of inferiority/imposter syndrome, but all behind a masked face of “I’m fine” because I hated HATED being perceived as weak let alone feeling weak which was how I felt 24/7. I pushed myself to maintain my full-time job convincing myself I had to prove to my bosses and colleagues they were right to support keeping me on staff—that I could do it all—endure the medical treatments, the lupus flares the fulltime job, the endless hours spent re-preparing for the bar exam, all while hiding how scared I was, the physical pain, and emotional pangs from feeling so vulnerable and isolated, and more notably <br/><br/>I had to continue being a caretake for my elderly grandmother suffering from dementia and her own scary diagnosis/treatment for the autoimmune blood disorder ITP as she seemed to only remember my face and needed me, I put on that brave face mask for far too long, and unknowingly then, yes it made my flares more intense and more frequent, and my stifled/outwardly hidden emotional suffering only grew exponentially—but somehow thru this decade long process—I tried and eventually found the right therapist and I learned, like you said, to first acknowledge and then eventually embrace my emotions personally, of them—and not just there negative scary ones, but also the positive ones, to give myself credit for enduring and persevering—today, I’m just learning how to ask those I thought I was sparing/lying to, and I’m still grappling with loving myself on a daily basis—as you so poignantly identify, somewhere along the way, as I became more honest with myself, accepting the validating my own feelings and experiences, I learned how to sit with my feelings, and the flares became less frequent and the magnitude of symptoms lessened, I recently discovered that in addition to a continued cocktail of Western biologic medications, regular weekly acupuncture/TCM sessions—I’ve found a some sort of balance—and started to heal the parts of my body and soul that I pushed down and hid both internally and externally. I hope that if I keep the course, my physical and emotional healing will continue, and I’ll start to feel more and more comfortable being vulnerable and be able to share with loved ones and professional colleagues, and maybe just maybe come to be able to sustain healthier relationships with others and myself. I only share all of this—because I want my fellow lupus warriors to know, there is hope and your resiliency will not be in vain. You can do what you may think impossible and if you are wiser than I was and can be so brave to be vulnerable with yourself and others along the way, you’ll probably have a less drawn out battle than I did, but regardless of how long it took me, I’m learning to be kind to myself and thankful, rather than to self critically time my own process and journey. Love and trust in yourself and others along your journey, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much it will bolster your own journey! You can do extraordinary things and you don’t have to hide it from yourself or others!</p>