Just For A Moment I’ll Release

It’s been a long time that I have had to wear a mask. Not the mask because of the pandemic but, the mask of making myself look well when I feel bad. The mask of a smile on my face when I am crying inside. I’ve been wearing a mask day in and day out. For just a moment I need to remove the mask.

Lupus struggle

Lupus is a struggle daily. There isn’t a moment that goes by that lupus doesn’t give me agita. Have you ever felt like no matter what you do to keep lupus away, it continues to try and beat you down? It’s a struggle to get past the issues every day. Somehow, we have all learned to apply the mask and keep moving.

Being honest with yourself

I have learned that lupus can be tricky. It has tricked me into believing that covering up my issues helps. In fact, it hurts me wholly more. I have been in so many hard spaces with lupus, as I am sure many lupus warriors have. I had to take the time to learn to be honest with myself. Honest with myself about how I really felt. Sometimes, in wearing the mask, I neglect my own safety believing the lie.

There is an old adage that says act as if until it becomes a part of you. This is great to live by until it begins to hurt you more than it helps you. As I battle lupus, it’s so important for me to be able to honestly assess my lupus situations. It’s the only way I can create a plan to act to take care of it or stop and leave it alone. It’s in those moments that I have to release. I have to release the pain, emotional strain, and loyalty I have to fake the funk.

Releasing the need to show you are well

I fake being well often. I do it so well, consequently, others forget that I am actually battling a serious chronic illness. Hence, when I can’t do what they believe I should do in my well-acting gig, they become upset and critical. It takes a toll on me emotionally. A roller-coaster ride of lies to myself and all those around me.

The time has come for me to make sure for the moments I am not well, that I let others know. I must be honest in knowing my limits in times of lupus crisis. Most importantly, it is necessary for me to make time to take off my mask and deal with the issue at hand.

On the whole, battling lupus is a learning process always. It takes practice and time to make moments to release the need to fake being well. Changing my mindset as I battle lupus has helped me tremendously. I have learned in spite of what other people think of my fight, it has no bearing on how I choose to fight. Unquestionably, the most important person in my lupus battle is me. How I choose to defeat lupus issues day-to-day can’t always be hidden and I'm okay with that.

In conclusion, just for a moment I'll release and allow my emotional wellbeing to be healed as I overcome lupus battles.