Hoping for Better

I started to get signals that my body was having issues again. I should have listened but now my body is feeling it. What makes it extra hard is that I do not have any doctors right now. My lupus is flaring up, I am gaining weight and that is causing extreme pain in my body. I am extremely constipated to where it's not even funny anymore.

Lupus and gastrointestinal issues

I sit on the toilet for at least an hour hoping something would come out (excuse me for the TMI). Then I have not had a period in almost 2 months. I know what you are thinking: Jokiva, are you pregnant? I thought so too but, no I am not pregnant. I have taken 2 pregnancy tests. So, that is how I started to feel like something is wrong. I started to feel like I am not getting enough rest every time I wake up and breathe a breath of fresh air. I feel very overly exhausted.

Throbbing pain

As I lay in bed and feel my bones throbbing in pain as the tears run down my cheeks, all that I could think of is that how today just is not my day. Stress has won the best of me this week. The fact that you can not show pain because your child is looking at you is even harder. Then having pain in your fingers and must pick up your child while your hands shake because the pain is overwhelming is hard.

Weighing my options

If I decide to go to the emergency room it's a little different. My husband works so I would have to bring my daughter to the hospital with me. My daughter is too young to experience that environment unless she needs to. I do not want to expose my child to anything. So, I sit here in pain and unable to receive rest. I start to try and hide the deep black spots underneath my eyes because I am completely drained.

It is an awesome feeling being a mother, but my mom is not around me and neither is my sisters. I am completely in my area by myself and my husband. That is what makes it harder because after I lay my daughter down it is time to do my homework and clean my house. Then Ava will wake up around 5 am and I am running on 3 to 4 hours of sleep each day.

I am in a flare

The rash is starting to appear on my hands and face again. It is starting to become red underneath and in the middle of my breasts. My skin is peeling on my upper back constantly. My hair is also falling out again. I do not know what the issue is. I wish I could see a doctor sooner but because of the pandemic, I am scared to go to the emergency room. If they decide to keep me, then who is going to watch my daughter when my husband must go to work? There is a lot of things that come into play that prevents me from taking care of myself. Being a mother comes first in my eyes. My mother, even with her lupus, was a mother first.

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