When life becomes too much
My life and journey and path with Lupus wasn't fun but I did it and not imagining it would be harder as the universe loves to do and especially to me I have noticed it accepted my challenge and through acute life threatening illness that led to a cancer diagnosis and since the few folks I had left were obviously too many unnecessary to have today I have absolutely none or I should say I get an occasional bone thrown at me of a ride to get meds or wash clothes get groceries but I have me and only me to depend on or figure out the constant fires the universe throws me and the fires get bigger and harder to fight well now I am wondering why I even try it will never end it isn't going to stop what's the point. So I am out of reasons to fight those fires and try to beat cancer tackle this depression and anxiety it escalated ten fold control lupus with not a penny or resource or vehicle a soul to help just my dog Thunder puppy and me against the universe alone how do I find the energy?
I can hear the pain, exhaustion and frustration in your post and I can't blame you. Lupus can be cruel and unusual, especially when navigating it alongside other serious diagnoses like cancer. I'm grateful you have found our community. Know that we are here to listen and support you along the way. The physical toll of lupus is taxing beyond words, but the emotional toll can be just as intense. This article has some information about the connection between Lupus, anxiety and depression: https://lupus.net/depression-anxiety. Please know, you are not alone in these feelings. There are support resources available, this article (https://lupus.net/mental-health/general-resources) has information on how to access support, including the 988 Crisis Lifeline (https://988lifeline.org/). No one should be made to feel they are battling this alone. Finally, remember to be gentle with yourself as you fight this: https://lupus.net/living/gentle-tips Sending you big gentle hugs!
Gabby (team member)I appreciate your empathy and I have been looking reaching out and doing everyday I can to end this nightmare 988 was even used once and my psychiatrist knows I just need a break
, my heart hurts for you. That IS a lot and as an animal lover myself, I know how crushing it can be to lose a special furry friend. Is that your beautiful pup in your profile pic? It can surely feel like the straw that breaks the camel's back. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to manage your mental and physical health to the best of your ability. Please give yourself TONS of credit for that. Fighting so hard for yourself (especially when you don't feel like fighting) is astoundingly hard. I sincerely hope the universe cuts you a break and gives you some moments this week where you can just breathe without feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders.
Best, Erin, Lupus.net Team Member.
I do hope you're still around and I hope you've come to terms with yourself mentally and physically, it is VERY trying. I feel every ounce of pain you're projecting here and I won't say I completely understand how you feel but I at least have a good idea as I have felt very similar to what I'm feeling here.
I've spent so many nights alone in the dark with my thoughts...shaking, crying, internally screaming while searching for a singular thread of evidence to support a case to carry on...all while telling myself how easy it would be to end it all. There's ALWAYS a reason to keep pushing through and things may not ever "get better" but the pain of losing you would be felt by more than you'd probably realize. Living with these conditions is a MAJOR battle that is unrewarded in a sense but if you've survived even a week in those shoes, you're absolutely more than strong enough to keep going and see yourself through til' the end., I'm deeply moved by your words and your story. Lupus can be cruel physically and mentally. Managing feelings of depression, anxiety and hopelessness are more common than most people want to let on. You are not alone. You are so right when you say that there is always a reason to keep pushing through. There are people who love you exactly as you are. Sending gentle hugs to you!
Gabby (team member)
