Last updated: August 2021
Editor’s note: Content warning – This article includes experiences with suicidal thoughts.
I just recently entered a depression stage where it is impossible for me to get out of. I walk around in sweatpants and a shirt and just cry at times. I do not want to go out with friends anymore or do anything because my depression has gotten the best of me. I soon found myself entering suicidal thoughts all over again and that even bought me more into my depression, because how can I think like that, and I have a daughter to live for. I have a flare-up on my leg that has been here for about a week or so and that is because I have been so depressed.
Editor's note: If you are having suicidal thoughts, please seek out these resources for help.
Struggling with depression
So depressed to where I do not take my medications at all. I would either overeat or under eat myself. My body is literally running off 3 hours of sleep a day which is not good either. My anxiety came back into full-blown to where I would have an anxiety attack in stores while I am shopping, and people would ask me if I were okay and if I needed help. Certain things I sign up for, it is because I am trying to find different ways to provide for my family. I was in Walmart and I am sure every parent reached a point in their life where they were like this, but I was in Walmart, and I found myself not being able to get my daughter some diapers.
Supporting my family instead of myself
Some people told me that I had to do what I had to do. I sucked my pride up and called my family and friend and they gave it to me. They were more hurt that I had gotten to that breaking point to where I felt that I just would close myself and not even communicate for help. There were times I found myself selling my clothes to Plato’s Closet just to be able to provide for my family. If I would rate my pain level on a scale of one to 10, it would be an 8 most of the time. My body would be in so much pain that all I could do is cry. Sometimes in the mornings around, 2 am I would drive myself to the ER and back home. I do not have a good coping mechanism to deal with these things yet. So I am still battling it on the inside and not really showing it on the outside.
Speaking up to those who will listen
I sit here and think when have I lost myself? My advisor called me to talk about my classes and I broke down crying. She was completely surprised. I told her that I was in a toxic situation and it was eating away at me. She could not do anything but really try and comfort me over the phone. I felt embarrassed but I needed an outlet at the same time. I have been holding too much of it in and it had been eating away at me. I was so grateful she understood that but how can I get out of this phase because it has gotten worse?
How are you most likely to respond when someone offers you unsolicited advice about your lupus?