RA Killed My Sex Drive and My Relationship
A couple of years ago, it was like someone flipped a switch inside me and turned off my sex drive. I didn't know what was wrong with me. My doctor gave me a referral to a rheumatologist about two years ago but I couldn't find any that were on my insurance and taking new patients that I was able to get to because I don't drive. I finally saw a rheumatologist for the first time a couple of weeks ago, had blood work done, and was diagnosed with RA earlier this week. It explains a lot.
My boyfriend and I have been together for ten years and have lived together for 6 years. Up until two years ago, we had a great sex life. When I became really sick our sex life dwindled and we were down to about once a month. He broke up with me today. He says it's my fault for cutting him off and that I am not the person I used to be. I have only been on hydrochloroquine and prednisone for my RA for 3 days- not nearly enough time for it to have any effect on my RA or related side effects. I haven't been able to work so it's just been him bringing in the money. He cut me off on the money. He wants me to leave but I have nowhere to go, no money, no transportation, and no one to help me. I am so hurt to know that I lost 10 years of my life being in a relationship I thought would last for the rest of my life only to find out that it was only sexual for him.
I can't believe I actually thought he loved me all this time. How could I be so blind and stupid? Sometimes I wonder if I should just take myself out because what's the point of living only to be alone, lonely and miserable? I have nothing going for me and really no reason to carry on. I can't survive without a place to live or money, transportation or anyone to help me and being sick all the time. I have no family so there won't be anyone to miss me and the world will continue on as if I was never even here. I have tried to think of reasons why my life is worth living, but couldn't come up with anything. I am just too broken- like a vase that shattered into a thousand pieces and can't be repaired. All you can do with a vase like that is throw it away. 
Oh,
.
I'm so sorry. You have every right to scream and cry and grieve however you want to. But, this man wasn't the man for you. Have you heard about stress testing? It's a tool used in many branches of industry to test components (networks, sofware, buildings, bridges, etc) under extreme situations to see if they can withhold the stress. RA tested your relationship and frankly, it showed who was the stronger partner in your union. It was you. It was you all along. And it sucks that you had to find out this way.
But, apart from the end of the relationship, I know your bigger concerns are much more immediate and pressing -- housing, stability, income, safety, etc. I don't know where you live, but many communities have programs and services for people that need help getting back on their feet. Organizations like the United Way may be able to help -- https://www.unitedway.org/. You might try contacting your local free clinic, as they tend to have resources outside of healthcare and can give you the numbers of agenices that might be able to help. Also, some local food pantries will also have information on resources to find stable housing and the like.
I do hope you start seeing the positive benefits of the medication very soon.
And please know you deserve better. You deserve someone that loves you for all of you, not just the sexual side of you.
Gentle Hugs, Erin, Team Member.
