So When Are You Having Kids?

Lately at every party (I guess because I’m married and 34 and childless) people ask, "so when are you going to have kids?". I have a long winded explanation in my head, but of course I never say it out loud. I usually politely giggle and say I don’t know, because that’s just the simpler thing to do. But, deep down I’m actually dying.

When I was diagnosed with lupus, one of my biggest worries was whether I would ever be able to have kids.

Pregnancy and lupus

I was 27 when I got diagnosed and just started a relationship that year. So kids were not a thing I wanted yet, but sometime in the future. Doctors reassured me that women with lupus are able to get pregnant and have full-term healthy babies.

The pregnancy itself would be considered high risk and I would have more appointments than the average mom, but it was possible. This truly gave me hope that one day I would become a mom.

I was on an assortment of medications trying to keep my lupus controlled, including Cellcept and Losartan. While on these, my doctors had mentioned that we should not try to get pregnant because of toxic side effects. So, we had to be careful during this time.

Next steps and alternatives

As time went on, my then boyfriend became my fiancé and soon we were married. We had talks about starting a family throughout this process. We knew if I was on those medications, we would not be able to start trying for a family. So, I talked with my doctors about next steps and if there were any alternative medications.

Based on my labs, I pretty much plateaued. I never reached remission, but I was also not doing any worse. I just hit a wall. So, he agreed I could start weaning off my meds and would check on my labs to see how it went.

Soon enough I was off of those meds I had discussed with my doctor. We were really excited about this. We even talked to a maternal fetal specialist to learn and discuss all the possible risks just trying to ensure that we prepared ourselves for as much as we could.

But, life had other plans.

Lupus activity increasing

A few months after we got married. I found a lump in my breast. I was so scared. After an ultrasound and biopsy, we learned it was benign but because of the size I needed surgery. I allowed my body some time to rest for a few months. 

Surgery was tough and I was not ready mentally to start trying for a baby. In between that time, upon checking my labs, my lupus activity began to increase so I was put on Imuran. It was safe if we wanted to start trying, so I was ok with adding this medication to my regimen.

Weird symptoms

The new year was approaching and I thought maybe this would be the year. But of course, life had other plans again. Soon, I began experiencing weird symptoms of dry mouth and found a lump near my neck.

After an MRI and 2 biopsies, it was determined that I had Sjogren’s syndrome and non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I was 33 and never did I think that was going to be my life. I began treatment for my non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, and because of that I was advised again not to get pregnant.

Not childless by choice

As a woman with a biological clock, I knew my time was running out. I know that older women are able to help children, but it also came with risks. As an older lupus patient with Sjojgren's and non-Hodgkin's, the risks kept stacking up.

So, I am not childless by choice, but because of the circumstances that I’ve been dealt. I will be 35 years old and I still don’t know that the future will hold.

I really wish people would stop asking women this question. It is very insensitive and quite frankly none of anyone’s business. There are a multitude of reasons why women don’t have kids. But, that should be between her and her partner. No one else deserves an explanation and no one should be bothered by this question at every event.

Have any of you ever been in this predicament?