The Silent Battle Beneath My Pretty Polish

For most women, a pedicure is a pampering ritual. A chance to unwind, choose a vibrant new shade. Additionally, to leave with toes and hands that feel as good as they look. But for me as I battle lupus, manicures and pedicures are often a bittersweet reminder of the silent battle raging beneath the pretty polish.

This is a part of lupus that often goes unseen. It’s a battle fought silently at the tips of my fingers and toes.

Something I never anticipated

Living with lupus has been a journey. It has definitely been marked by twists and turns, highs and lows and ebbs and flows. Among the many challenges I've faced, one of the most unexpected and distressing has been the loss of my toenails. In addition, dealing with the frailty of my fingernails has also shaken me up.

It's a reality that I never anticipated. I’ve been losing little pieces of me on this lupus journey. Pieces that are a constant reminder of the issues that lupus can bring.

The shock of losing my toenails

The first time I noticed something was wrong with my toenails, I was taken aback. I’ve always been a mani pedi girl and my toenails had always been sturdy. They served their purpose without complaint.

But after being diagnosed with lupus, discomfort seemed to always be under my nail beds. I noticed the pain growing more and more. Coupled with the pain I began to notice the thickness and breakage.

Then my toenails began to detach, leaving behind tender, exposed skin. The process was slow and strangely uneventful. No dramatic ripping or tearing, just a gradual loosening until with a gentle nudge, the nail would come free. As a matter of fact, my big toenail would often get pulled off putting on socks or pants.

The sight of the raw, exposed nail bed beneath was unsettling to say the least. It was a surreal experience. Watching as my toenails succumbed to the effects of lupus, slipping away one by one. Each loss felt like a gut punch, a real reminder of the toll this illness was taking on my body.

As I grappled with the loss of my toenails, another challenge emerged. The frailty of my fingernails.

Unraveling at the tips

Just as my toenails were giving way, so too were my fingernails. They became thin and papery showing signs of weakness. A hangnail here, a chipped nail there, the once smooth surfaces flawed by ridges and imperfections. Simple tasks like opening a jar or typing on a keyboard became painful reminders of how fragile my nails had become.

It was a small yet significant loss. Unraveling at the tips was also serving as a constant reminder of the havoc wreaked by lupus on my body.

The emotional stress

The emotional toll that this originally took on me was serious. These weren't just cosmetic concerns. I know that both my fingernails and toenails were a shield to protect. And, when those shields were gone, I felt vulnerable. Not just a physical vulnerability but also mentally. Mentally I felt like I was losing a part of me. That may sound a little over the top but that’s how I felt. The loss of my toenails forced me to be cautious with every step. Subsequently, I had to be mindful of my true fragility on this lupus journey.

There's a misconception that chronic illness is all about grand battles. You know, the hospital stays, the high-dose medications. But the reality is far more nuanced.

It's the unseen scars, the silent battles fought in the privacy of your own body. It's the chipped nail polish and the missing toenails, a constant reminder of a war being waged within. Despite these challenges, I've found ways to cope and adapt to my changing nail issues.

Coping strategies and adaptations

Navigating life with lupus requires resilience and resourcefulness.  Grappling with the loss of my toenails and the frailty of my fingernails has been frustrating. I’ve learned to adapt. Moreover, I discovered new ways to find beauty, even in my brokenness. I take extra measures to protect my fragile nails. Gentle nail care routines, including moisturizing treatments and protective coatings are a constant for me. It’s not just a day at the spa with a manicure and pedicure for me. It’s a way to take back some control over the little losses.

I have a great nail technician that has been open to learn about lupus. She works with me to help my nails be safe and cute. Every visit becomes a learning session for us both. For her, she is learning how lupus affects a body. For me, I’m learning how to cope and take care of my nails outside of her shop. This has helped me to accept my nail issues.

Constant journey

Living with lupus is a constant journey of acceptance. It's about learning to love my body, even when it betrays me in unexpected ways. I celebrate the small victories. A victory like a chipped nail that miraculously survives a day of typing. The victory of a new pair of shoes that offer both comfort and protection. And most importantly, I find strength in the community of others who understand my silent battles and unseen scars.

So, to anyone out there battling a similar foe, I see you. I understand the frustration, the fear, and the quiet moments of mourning. But know this, you are not alone. We fight this battle together, one chipped nail and missing toenail at a time.

In conclusion, have you had issues with your toenails and fingernails? Let me know what type of challenges you faced in the comments.