Please Tell Someone

Content Note: This article mentions abuse and addiction. If you or a loved one are struggling, consider reading our Mental Health Resources page.

Growing up, we all had dreams of what we wanted to be or where we’d live, or what we would do for a living. As we grow up, those dreams change. At three you want to be a ballerina, at five a mommy, at 10 a teacher, and by 19 you have no earthly idea. You also have ideals in your head from your family and religion. Like how you'd raise your kids and such. As I look back at the turn my life took that I never expected, I feel like I need to share a bit.

A career and marriage

For me, I knew I would go to college, but I wasn’t sure what my degree would be. I tried a few things along the way before I landed in nursing. I was going to be married by 22, have my first kiddo by 25, and be done by 32. That way I could be young enough to really enjoy my kids. But also young enough to enjoy my spouse once the kids were out of the house.

Boy did the universe have very different plans. I did get married by 22. Well, 3 weeks after I turned 22! But instead of having my first kiddo by 25, I was divorced 2 months before I turned 24. When I say that was never where I saw my life going, it was NEVER where I saw my life going. I married my high school sweetheart, and we were going to grow old together.

Hidden addiction

I won’t go into detail what that 18 months was like because it’s not fully my story to tell. And I would never want to put his story out on a public platform. But I feel called to share this.

In the first few months of our new marriage, the truth of hidden addiction came to light. Because he was my husband and we took vows, he felt that it should stay between us and that I was not to share the significance of said addiction. I should accept it and deal with it.

Over the coming months there were so many scary days and nights. Mornings I would pray that I would get home to a breathing and living husband. Nights that I prayed that he would just go to bed and stop raging.

Before my SLE diagnosis

There was never any physical abuse, he never put his hands on me. But all these years later, as I’m nearing my 39th birthday, sometimes I still pray he just would have hit me. I’m so thankful for therapy and the ability to work through all that happened. Even though it was a short, short, time it was packed full.

This was before I was diagnosed with SLE. But I was dealing with all sorts of health issues no one could figure out!

I was having dizzy spells where I would nearly, or actually, pass out. I was having severe abdominal pain, with intractable nausea and vomiting. While being achy all over and exhausted all the time. But I had a lot going on while also being a new grad nurse working 13 hour night shifts. So everything was just chalked up to my new job and working overnights.

No one knew what was going on at home.

Tell someone

I kept myself together, went to work, met my friends, saw my parents. By the end my mom started to realize something was going on but couldn’t figure it out. But I wish I would have told someone sooner.

Don’t be like me and stay in an abusive relationship without telling someone, anyone. Just someone that you trust with your life so they can help you make a plan to get out. 

I still say that I left by accident and had I not, I don’t know that I ever would have had the strength to leave on my own. My sister was like 7 at the time and wanted me to come stay at home with her for her birthday. So I did. I stayed one day, and another, and each day longer I realized how much deeper I could breathe. How I wasn’t walking around on my tiptoes at all times. Or worried about what I’d come home from work to. 

I’m so thankful she asked me to stay. Because had she not I might still be there living scared, in hell.

Symptom changes

When I left, it wasn’t on purpose. But after the first couple days that my sister asked me to stay, I started to notice that the abdominal pain, and nausea/vomiting was getting better. With each day away from him and the situation those symptoms improved. It was at that point that it was clear what needed to be done.  

But the other symptoms like being dizzy and having near syncopal/syncopal episodes, the constant exhaustion no matter how much I slept, and the body aches didn’t go away. It took a few years before my lupus diagnosis was received, and even longer for my POTS diagnosis.

Listen to your body

I share this small part of my abusive marriage for many reasons. One is to say, listen to your body because it always tells you what it needs. Even in the most insane ways. Never would I ever have thought the awful GI symptoms and trouble I dealt with for nearly a year was a physical manifestation of anxiety. It’s truly amazing.  

Also, this was just another situation added to my long list of troubling issues with no known cause that eventually was made clear once I got the lupus diagnosis. Always listen to your body. Please!

If you are living in a situation where there is abuse of any kind, even if they never laid their hands on you. Tell someone. Find someone that you trust and that loves you that you can confide in! That person probably knows they just don’t know how to approach you about it!

No matter what anyone tells you, you don’t deserve the abuse, it’s not your fault, and it’s NEVER a way to show how much you are loved!