Intimacy

Intimacy and lupus can take a toll on you and your partner, specifically the lack of intimacy that can occur. Is it hard to cater to your partner while sick? Yes! That’s a question I can answer honestly, because I tried. I wanted to hold up my end of the bargain in my marriage.

First not being able to work as I used to, which caused me to become a stay at home mother while my husband works. And then at times if I am sick, me and my husband won't be intimate for weeks - or sometimes even longer.

We both have needs

Do spouses get tired of you having lupus? I think yes. The thought of me going through what I am going through can be hard, but the love that my husband has for me is strong. But I've never had him tell me that my illness was too much for him, because he knows that it is something that I cannot control.

As a partner who likes affection, he's had to understand that if I am not feeling well, I do not like being touched. If someone loves me they will understand that. But as his spouse I also have had to understand and accommodate to his needs. So when he just wants to lay up and watch a movie, I've had to understand he needs that affection as well. And who am I to neglect that need in him if I am feeling okay.

Compromise and communication

If you want to have better intimacy while living with a chronic illness, you have to be willing to compromise and learn from each other. As a couple it is important to place each other first. The first step of placing each other first will be communication and that is an important key to a relationship.

Have you ever tried communicate with your spouse without speaking to them? If you can communicate based off of facial expressions, then you have entered another level into your relationship and communication. You can say something without actually saying anything at all, and your spouse will have to be able to reciprocate that as well. When you can understand unspoken things, then that can help bring you to a better intimacy level. To have someone that will remain attracted to you no matter what condition you are in is top tier.

Confidence

My husband never made me feel unattractive in any way no matter what I look like, and that let me know he genuinely fell in love with me. That definitely helps us now having two children and while I'm still taking steroids (and more). I became more confident in myself - if your spouse is the right person they will bring out a high confidence in you. You will walk and talk different.

Never feel like you have to settle because you have an autoimmune disease. When you do that, you start to accept things that weren’t meant to be in your life or meant for you to endure. Always place yourself and your health first.